The Day I Cried, "Suicide!" Part 1

This is the first piece we would like to share with you. It will be shared in two parts...this is a short story about a girl who struggles with issues in her life, especially that of suicide. The important thing to learn from this short story is that suicide is never the answer but turning to God is our best option!

The Day I Cried, "Suicide!"

First published through Jesus' Orthodox Youth Entertainment (J.O.Y.E.), story title provided by Bishoy A. Michael

    Alex woke up with the same depressed feeling she had woken up with for the past few months.  She didn’t feel like getting out of bed.  She simply wanted to lie there until her life wasted away into oblivion.  What is the point of my life?  She thought to herself.  I can’t and don’t want to do this anymore.  Her alarm rang a few more times and she finally got out from under her blankets.  As she washed her face, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror above the sink and paused, just staring at her reflection.  Who would love a person like me?  She thought once more to herself.  She went to her bed and found her phone lying there, with one unopened text message.  It was from her ex-boyfriend.  She didn’t read the message but went back to look in the mirror.  She asked herself the same question again, this time out loud.

    “Who would love a person like me?”  She paused, waiting for an answer that she knew would never come.  After all, she was all by herself in her room.  She waited a while longer, sighed, dried her face, and went to her closet so she could get dressed.  This is going to be a long day.  She sighed.

***

    Alex walked into class and settled herself in a seat at the very back of the room.  She took out her notebook, a pen, and set her phone on the desk.  She remembered that she had received a text message that morning and had not yet read it.  When she opened it, she immediately wished she had not.  The text message was from her ex and it contained three words: “You are worthless.”  When the instructor walked into the class, she opened her notebook and tried her best to pay attention.  Throughout the duration of the class, Alex’s thoughts wandered back to the text message.  No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t pay attention to what the instructor was saying.  At the end of the class session, the instructor passed back an exam that they had taken last week.

    “Alexandra,” the instructor called her name.  Alex walked up to the front of the room with her backpack and took her folded and graded exam paper from the instructor.  She left the class before looking at it.  When she was out of the room, she unfolded the paper and a big fat red “D” was staring her right in the face.

***

    That being the only class for her that day, Alex continued sullenly through the rest of her day.  The next thing she had on her schedule was work.  Alex worked in a law office.  When she reached the office that day, the lawyer, her boss, asked her to go into the office.

    “Alex, how many hours do you think you have been averaging per week?” her boss asked.

    “Um, I don’t know.  Maybe ten?” she replied.

    “Not even.  You’ve been consistently missing work or coming late.  You averaged maybe ten hours only once within the past month.  You’re efficient and you’re a valuable asset to this office.  However, if you cannot be consistent, I’m going to have to fire you.” The lawyer said.

    “I’m sorry.  I will be more consistent,” Alex responded.

    “Ok, good.  I have a lot of files that I want you to audit today.  I placed them on your desk.” The lawyer said in way of a concluding remark.

    Alex got up and went to her desk to begin the task she was given for that day.  The files piled higher than the top of her computer screen.  She sighed and sat down.  All she wanted to do was cry.  Is there anything in my life that is going right? She thought to herself, taking a yellow writing pad and opening the first file in front of her.

***

    After work, Alex drove home.  As she drove, she thought about the day’s events.  Compared to other days she had had, it wasn’t so bad.  So her ex texted her and told her she was worthless.  What of it?  He had said worse to her.  So she had gotten a D on her exam.  What of it?  She had been failing all her exams the whole semester.  So she got a final warning about coming consistently to work.  What of it?  She had gotten fired from her previous job with no warning.  So why do I feel like this is the worst day of my life?  She asked herself.

    Alex called her best friend, Bree.  She didn’t pick up.  Alex called another close friend.  She didn’t pick up either.  Alex put her phone on the passenger seat and continued to ponder why she felt so miserable.  When she neared her apartment, Alex heard her phone ring and noticed that her best friend was calling her back.

    “Hello?” Alex answered the phone.

    “Hey.  Sorry I missed your call.  What’s up?” Bree asked.

    Alex wanted to tell Bree about her day and about how miserable she felt.  She couldn’t bring herself to do it however.

    “Nothing much.  Just wanted to check up on you.  We haven’t talked in a while.” Alex said.

    “Yeah, I know.  Wait, what are you doing this afternoon?” Bree asked.

    “Nothing.  I was thinking of studying, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen today.” Alex replied.

    “Well, you know, there’s a group of people from church going out.  Do you want to come with us?” Bree asked.

    “Um, who’s going?” Alex asked in response.

    “You know, Lauren, Mark, Janet, Mel, the people we normally hang out with.” Bree said.

    “Uh, sure.  I’ll come.” Alex acquiesced.

    “Great.  Do you want me to come pick you up?” Bree asked.

    “No.  I’ll take my car.  Just tell me where and what time.” Alex replied.

    “Well, actually, I just realized that it’s the park one block from your apartment building.  We’re meeting in half an hour.” Bree stated.

    “Alright.  See you then.”  Alex said and hung up.

***

    Alex watched in disbelief as her ex’s car pulled into the parking lot of the park and stopped in between two of the white lines marking parking spaces.

    “I thought you said he wasn’t coming!” Alex whispered in a panicky voice to Bree.

    “I didn’t know.  I’m sorry.  Just act normal.” Bree whispered back.

    “Right.  Act normal.” Alex said sarcastically, feeling her heart collapse in her chest as she watched her ex get out of his car.  She watched as he walked to the other side of his car and held the door open for a girl.  Alex’s breathing became frantic.  She thought she was going to cry.

    “Bree, I need to leave now.” Alex whimpered.

    “Alex.  Don’t be silly.  Just ignore him and enjoy yourself.” Bree replied.

    “Bree.  You don’t understand-“ Alex began.

    “At least wait until we eat.  You’ll be fine.  I promise.” Bree said.

    As her ex walked closer to the place they were sitting at, Alex couldn’t take it anymore.  She saw her ex laughing and looking admiringly at his new girlfriend.  Alex got up with tears in her eyes and started walking away.

    “Alex, where are you going?  We’re just about to eat.” Mark said.

    “I’m really tired.  I had a long day.  I just need to go home.  I’m sorry.” Alex said.

    Mark followed her and stood in front of her.

    “Alex, what’s wrong?” Mark asked.

    “I’m fine, Mark.  I’m just really tired.” Alex replied.

    “No, your eyes are tearing up.  What’s up with you?” Mark asked.

    “It’s because I’ve been yawning.  I’m really tired.  Please, just let me go home.” Alex said.

    “Do you want me to walk with you?” Mark offered.

    “No, I’ll be alright.  Thanks though.”  Alex replied.

    “Alright.  Well, I’m sorry you couldn’t stay with us this time, perhaps next time?” Mark asked, smiling.

    “Yeah, next time.  I’ll see you later.” Alex replied attempting a weak smile, waved to the group, and walked to her apartment.

***

    When Alex got home, the tears spilled from her eyes as she threw herself on her bed.  Why do I live? She thought to herself.  There’s no purpose to my life.  I just want to die.  Everything is going wrong.  My school life, my work life, my social life, it’s all in shambles.

    Unable to control her tears, Alex found herself thinking more and more of that one thought: I just want to die.  Alex reached for her phone and texted her best friend Bree: “I’m going to kill myself tonight.  You’ve been a really good friend to me.  I won’t be bothering you any longer.  I love you.”

    Alex walked into the kitchen, took out a bottle of pills, a bottle of wine, and a knife.  She sat at the kitchen table, staring at the pills, the wine, and the knife with tears rolling down her cheeks.  I just want to die.  She thought once more to herself as she reached for the pills.

***

To be continued...

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